What If Emotions Aren’t What We Think?

A couple of weeks ago, we had the honour of sitting down with Dr James Gross as part of our Emotions At Work Learning Series. For those who may not know, Dr Gross is one of the most recognised and influential emotion scientists of our time. His work has shaped how people across psychology, leadership, education and culture understand and work with emotions.

It was one of those conversations that lingers long after it ends. We left feeling grateful, curious, and more convinced than ever that emotional work is the real work. Below are some of the ideas that stood out most, and why they matter for anyone who wants to lead, relate or build culture with intention.

Who is Professor James Gross?

Dr Gross is a professor at Stanford University and Director of the Stanford Psychophysiology Lab. He’s most widely known for developing the Process Model of Emotion Regulation. This framework breaks down the different ways we can regulate our emotions. Not just by controlling our reactions, but by choosing our situations, shifting our focus, reframing our thoughts, and more.

He’s published over 600 papers, his work has been cited over 200,000 times, and his research has fundamentally changed the way we think about emotional health and resilience. More recently, he and his collaborators have been exploring collective emotion regulation and the ripple effects that can happen when even a small group within a team learns to regulate their emotions more intentionally.

Not All Emotions That Feel Bad Are Unhelpful

One of the first myths James gently challenged was the idea that emotions can be neatly divided into good and bad.

"Not all emotions that feel bad are unhelpful—and not all emotions that feel good are helpful."

Context is everything. Sometimes anxiety helps us prepare. Anger, when channelled wisely, can fuel action. Even joy can be distracting in the wrong moment. Emotions aren’t moral. They’re data. It’s what we do with them that matters.

The Five Tools of Emotion Regulation

James walked us through his Process Model of Emotion Regulation. It outlines five ways we can influence our emotional experience:

1. Situation Selection

2. Situation Modification

3. Attentional Deployment

4. Cognitive Change (Reappraisal)

5. Response Modulation

It sounds clinical, but it’s deeply human. These are the small shifts we make every day, like stepping outside for a breather, choosing to focus on what we can control, or reframing a tough moment with more compassion. What this model does is give people a practical, hopeful framework to navigate emotion.

As James put it, “Even fairly young people can grasp this. And when they do, it can change their world.”

 The 40% Tipping Point

One of the most striking ideas we explored was recent research by Dr Amit Goldenberg (a former student of Gross) and colleagues. The study looked at group-level emotion regulation and found something remarkable:

If just 40% of a group learns to regulate their emotions more intentionally, it shifts the emotional climate of the entire group.

You don’t need to reach everyone to change the culture. Just enough. That’s hopeful. And it aligns with everything we believe in this community: that small ripples create big shifts. That emotional leadership isn’t about fixing people—it’s about modelling and inviting something different.

(Goldenberg et al., 2020 – Harvard & Stanford collaborative study)

 What Gets In the Way of Emotional Skill?

James spoke about two concepts that are often overlooked:

• Alexithymia: the difficulty some people have in identifying and describing emotions. We can’t assume everyone has the same emotional starting point.

• Emotion Beliefs: what we believe about emotions matters. If you believe emotions are uncontrollable, you’re less likely to even try to regulate them.

These ideas are crucial for anyone trying to build emotionally aware teams or communities. We have to meet people where they are. Emotional literacy is not a personality trait—it’s a skill, and it can be learned.

 A Beautiful Question to End On

As the conversation came to a close, one question from James stuck with me:

"What are your emotion goals?"

It’s deceptively simple. But it opens up a whole new way of thinking. Not "how do I stop feeling this?" but "what would be helpful to feel more of, given what matters to me?"

That’s emotional leadership. And it’s where our work begins.

Want to Go Further?

If you want to explore the tools, techniques and strategies that make this work practical and actionable. So it becomes more than just a concept, you’re invited to join our next Emotional Change Strategy Course.

Enrolments are open here now. Course begins 28 April.

Come learn how to shift emotional culture in real, intentional ways.

Watch the Full Replay

The full replay is available for all members of our community. Click here if you're a member and want to watch now.

Thanks again to everyone who joined us live. Let’s keep shaping the emotional climate around us. One f-word conversation, one ripple, one moment at a time.